"Home."

I am sitting
in your wake.
I am singing
For your Sake.
Give me a reason
as to why I'm here. . .

Give me a song to
sooth my weary ears...................

I will need you
for a while.
I will see you (here).

(I will need to
cut the wire
I will see you go down
In my fire...)

I could never
Hide the dark...
Sitting here and this
fire is growing.

And its Hell's time now...
I'm going.
I'm going-
I'm going-

. . . Home.

this is a happy one

Its not often I
can write happy things.
I don't often say I love me.
It's been a while since
I've been so happy I cried
Its been a while since
I've been loved for me.
15 years not knowing how it feels
to love and be in love as well
I've been through
7 god damned levels of hell.
My life's never been the greatest,
but I'm not complaining
because now
I can sleep at night
Now I can feel alive
Now I can be alright.
I can say I love me
I can write a happy story.

It's all because You've brightened me

You help me sleep at night
You make me feel alive.
You make me feel alright...
And best of all
you love me...
Randy.

"Brand New"

Every thing's the same
But it all feels brand new
I don't ever want (You) to leave
I'm so in love with you. . .
I like it here,
I like this place
Let's stay a while
I like your style.
Hold my hand.
You make me smile.
They can try to make me sad
But nothing ever hurts as bad
when ever you're around.

Just one look makes it better
Just one smile.
make me shiver.
Make me feel brand new,
I'm so in Love with You.

(September 18, 2007)

"Nothing more (than nothing)"

Lay and watch the clouds roll by
Day dreams hold me to the sky.
I keep wishing you could be mine.
I keep hoping stupid lies.
Keep on hoping you'll be there when I cry.
Walking the streets without any aim
thinking, maybe, you'll join in my game.
But I feel like this will end the same.
Every step I take--reminds me of you.
You walk like you need nobody,
It makes it so much better
Back and forth I tether . . .
between you and Nothing.
Question about loving
This could only be nothing.
I could force, and push, and fight
I could make-believe it's right
But as I lay alone At night
I realize
I am nothing. . .
But I am your nothing.

(August, 2007)

"Yours in every way."

I can feel you.
I can hear you.
You're driving me insane
I can sit here and try to ignore you
But your heart-beat's on my brain.
This is all I have to offer
Don't take it in vane.
So I'll give you everything
I'll steal away your pain
My Love Is Yours In Every Way.

(November 1, 2007)

"Dope"

Silence caught you on a rope
You were so high on dope
You tried to see who held you there...
Tried to see-strained to stare.
I kept my hands on
your shoulders and held you close--
-'till you were sober.
I kissed your forehead, you nearly jumped.
I held your head up
while you slumped.

(October, 2007)

"cold and dead"

I took a photo in my mind
of every step you left behind
and every word you ever said
to take it all away
-to fake it instead-
I take a step back
from the damage that
can't be repaired.
Can't rest to stare.
So build it all up
Just to burn it down.
Dig it all away
Just to put it back in the ground
And noise-proof the room
Just so you can hear the sounds.
You took this image, put it behind your head
And in the back of your mind,
my figure rests,
Cold
and Dead.

(October 2007)

"New Release"

Tear off my mouth
and pull my veins apart.
Your stare is digging deeper and
Its ripping out my heart.
I hold my self pinned here so
it doesn't get too extreme
But I'm so out when I'm around you,
It makes me want to scream.
The heat is petrifying and the flames inside are rising
So leave a thousand marks on my skin
Line them up. I'll soak you in.
tear out my heart.
pull me apart.
Piece by Piece
A New Release.

11/7/07

"So Close"

We were so close I could
feel your heart beating.
With your hands all around me
I never saw you leaving.
I put my head back
on your chest.
I thought,
"you and me, Fuck the rest"
You kissed my nose and I went to sleep.
It was only of you I dreamed
I woke up to your stupid smile,
Asked how long I'd been asleep;
You said "a while".
You hugged me, It was around 10.
Held my hands, We danced in the den.
We were so Close
I was so happy.

11/15/07

"Mend"

I swear I couldn't love you any more than I
Thought I did.
I fell for all your bullshit
over and over again.
Being such a jerk-off
only attracted me more.
But this is it, I hope you're happy
cause I'm no longer your bore.
You're missing so much, I'll let you know.
Would have given you everything,
but you had to let go.
Since now You've got what you want,
I'm over it, I'll forgive you.
Moving on hurts worst
All this pressure could make my heart burst
I'll be OK in the end
where once we're cool,
My heart will mend.

11/15/07

"This wasn't written to be Finished."

Just accept it for what it is
Time can heal; I'll get over this.
And bliss isn't all that comes from Ignorance--
You'll get crushed by just what
you thought was right.
I could swear it wasn't wrong when I
thought about you all night.
I guess it was all a Lie.
A fib that I could hide
And Keep it all inside.
Pretend you'd stay by my side.
You let go of what you love-
-To love is to let go-
Truth be told that I might be
Stronger than you know...
But please don't come back to me
Please don't ever say you're sorry.
This wasn't Written To Be Finished.
. . .

(November 2007)

"...Fuck?"

Dirty Fucking-Cells
all over your hands.
Love the way it smells,
But feel nothing here.
Bend back break another bone
Just to make sure that you're close to HOME.
That won't mean anything, just like how
it feels.
Don't care, Doesn't matter,
It's love for the feeling--
Its not fucking real.
So fuck again-- 'till you get
something out of it
Only until you have what you need.
Its only natural
Cause You Need To
Breathe.

11/26/07

You Learn Nothing from Witnessing a Car Wreck.

A Short Brainstorming Story.

You Grab your pack of Cigarettes off of the bed side table and light your morning smoke. Put on your coat as you step out the door, puffing away. As you walk down the sidewalk you see some little kids playing tag in the road. You stop and lean against a street light to watch them as they tumble and trip. You look away for just a split second as to put out your cigarette butt, and you hear a screech and then silence. You look back to your former subject (the children) to see that there is a stopped car, door ajar, and the greasy remains of a former kid in the road. You begin to laugh hysterically as the man who was in driving the car cradles the 3 1/2 foot tall dead body in his hands, crying. You look away and with a smile on your face, keep walking to where ever the hell you are going.

Today will be a good day.


1/13/07

"Toy."

Face White
Hands red,
I look up to you to see what you say
I did all this for you,
Would you
still make me pay?
Damn my eyes, this sight I see
Another day
of you abusing me.

Push me down, I am your toy
Kill me now, I'd do anything for this boy.
Isn't this what It's supposed to be?
From what I can tell, He Loves me.
Surface from my knees,
He's not satisfied
As he pushes me back down,
I begin to cry.
What kind of wimp am I?
To love and to be loved, this is how it is.
As long as I can show that, I can stay as his.

I will be your toy
as long as you will stay my boy
I will do anything for you
as long as I can hear "I Love You"
Not for who I am, not for how I speak
just for what I do.
But I will stay with you.

1/12/07

"Breathe For Me."

Breathe for me
Take it back in please...
The steam I'm blowing out,
Please breathe it back so Its not just hanging in the empty air.
Give me back to me.
No, Take me away from me.
Tie me back please...
I'm driving myself insane
I'm driving them all away.
Please take my breath
take the breath I'm blowing out
Take it in deep
to the bottom of your lungs.
I am why you're dying.
I am simply a deadly drug.

1/7/08

Gather Around. . .

January 1, 2008 - Tuesday

Gather around and if you will, imagine this. . . . . . You roll off your uncovered mattress placed in the middle of your room on the 5th story of your cheap-ass apartment complex. You open your eyes to a giant flower, a flower bigger than your body, a flower even bigger than your cheap-ass apartment complex, having broken through your ceiling and your walls letting in what little light this polluted fucking city had to bear. You think "Nothing like a normal Wednesday morning in this town. . .", and bid the fanged menacing flower a good morning. You then proceed to the kitchen area of your one-room apartment to scrape yourself up some food. Maybe if you get lucky, you'll muster some orange juice from that 6 month old dried-up plastic container. After your molded orange juice, you continue your morning routine: Try to kill that roach again, pop a few pills, pray that those were the right ones, put on your robe over your underwear, cover your feet with some bunny slippers and eat a twix bar that you bought a week ago from some vendor machine. Now you stroll to work in your bath robe. Every day is the same and you'd never think great shit would happen to you, would you? You're wrong, buddy, today's your lucky day. As you're strolling down the street and some hobo gives you a hand shake you notice something great; you look up to see that the giant flower up next to your apartment is devouring your noisy neighbors. This has brightened your life a whole bunch. You continue skipping to Posey's Dry-Cleaners, where you work for $3 an hour, with a smile on your face. Hell, even your fuzzy bunny slippers have smiles cause you've got a good feeling in your gut about the day to come. So, we'll continue your story with the noon alien invasion. Nothing too odd, just the fact that the aliens use missiles this time. "Hm, something new...", you mumble to yourself as you iron holes in somebody's striped sweater. An hour later you throw the iron across the room. You watch as it shatters the glass and flies toward somebody's car. But none of this shit matters. You've had an awakening... God is calling you! You swear? "I swear!" "GOD IS CALLING ME!", you scream as you jump through the hole you previously created in the glass. You run down the street throwing off your robe and slippers as you repeat your news to the world. "GOD IS CALLING ME, I AM GOING TO HEAVEN!!!" You climb the closest high building, screech your message one more time through your smoker's cough... and then jump. You throw your arms in the air and jump from that building, flipping in circles on the way down. Once again you roll over with something in your face. This time, though, the Gates of Heaven are awaiting you. Golden trumpets sound as your make your naked way to the Gates. You stand, dumbstruck at the entrance to Heaven. The Gates remain closed. . . "What's going on? Why can't I get in?", you cry to the welcoming air around you. You hear a voice. . . a huge deep voice talking to you. He says "I am God. You cannot enter my palace." You are baffled as you muster your pathetic reply, "I. . .I. . . uh. . . Why?". God then says to you, "I cannot let you in. . . because you swore, you dip shit." ...

"Lit"

January 7, 2008 - Monday.

I'm as high as Heaven right now

burning from the bottom up.
You've got me tied up, lit my fuse some how
And I feel hot as Hell.
(And) I fell down.
Hole of holy endings
With hope of never getting back up
I am High as Heaven
I am Hot as Hell.
What exactly you do to me,
I can't tell.

Brain Storming.

December 29, 2007 - Saturday

I'm so sick Nothing makes me better, Nothing Cures me. I'm losing sight I'm giving in Might. My head feels really light. I can't stand the fact that I still think about it I can't understand why I still feel you Its been so long It was so wrong Everything we did was Wrong! So why can't I stop thinking about you? I need to let go. I need you to go. Since I've heard your name again. . . I've sunken back so low. I tear past the border wall that's supposed to be between us I rip past the borderline between love and lust. It still shocks me so, No matter how much I've been in the dust. The heaviness doesn't ever stop I can, I can't, I Won't, I must Its something one can't control, It makes you feel more alive and Its this very thing On which I've come to thrive No, This isn't true, This isn't right! I'm having a night mare,One that I can't fight I give in, you put me there I gave in, you let me go there I can't wake up, I toss and turn it can't be right, but for this I yearn I can feel some sort of love, can't I? Maybe this is love.

"Long Ride Home"

December 22, 2007 - Saturday

You've been tugging at my insides this entire night long. Suck me right out of my neck, but I can't Say It's wrong. You show me death And I gasp for breath Hang on to my sanity. . . It's a long ride home. It's a long ride home. Hear that scream, its priceless Tug me harder, Kill me Faster Peel me apart vein by vein Keep me under, Drown me, I'm Insane! I'm insane! I feel sick But I'm okay.

"Even Harder"

December 21, 2007 - Friday

			I took in the smoke and took some steps back I'm way better off now But I still feel wrong. Unfaithful, Lying, Bitch deserves to die. I'm gonna say I'm totally fine but That's a fuckin' lie. I'm sorry I have to fib to keep myself alive I'll keep myself alive in you but you'll die inside of me, I swear. . . Lock Me Up so I can't Breathe, Then Choke Me Even Harder, Please.

"We Remember"

December 21, 2007 - Friday.


We Remember who you were
and Everything You Used to be.
Nobody's quite sure why you came here,
But I remember you were friends with me.

Remember how we used to act stupid?
And Life didn't really matter then.
Who was to know that Friends would fade
to what we thought was love
and then Wash away to a Sin...?
It breaks my heart to think
How fucking much you've changed.
It breaks my mind to feel
And feelings are deranged.

I realize, now, where you're taking your train
I realize that everything I gave you
wasn't all in vane.
I see now that it was your mistake
I've built myself a wall; and now its all okay.
I'm keeping closer lock on my heart,
So never again will it break.

"Just Like..."

December 18, 2007 - Tuesday

Reality Just Like a Puppet's smile You fake Just to make sure you'll get more than a mile. Push, Fight, Pray, Beg You think this is love? It's fuck, instead! He's never around, You're alone until bed He shows up, Gets what he wants... Then shoots you in the head. . . .

"My Own Black Sea"

December 14, 2007 - Friday

I'm holding my breath; I'm staying right here. I'm waiting for a sign that skies ahead are clear. Ship's leaving the dock, I'm scared to step off of this rock. I'm afraid I might lose my catch I'm terrified of what feelings will hatch. I'm fucking sick of getting broken So I'm tipping off my token (of love) Into the freezing water, And watching it drop even deeper. As the shaddow fades, as you disappear I hope that You'll come back and find me right here I'll never wilt, I'll turn to stone Waiting for the ship to return; Wondering if You'll Ever Come Home. . . .

Public Diary Entry Number 3.

Public Diary Entry 3.

December 12, 2007 - Wednesday

I smell you in the air around me
fucking fog and stuff.

Gobble Bobble Kitty Cat
Kit Kat, Gimme a BREAK!
I'm tired of failing too.
I wish that grades wouldn't determine how much you fail at life;
Society is stupid.
It is IMPOSSIBLE for a human being to be "below standards"
or what ever the fuck they call it when your grades are in the 20's and
everybody around you has 90's and 100's.
Fucking Bullshitters, You don't need grades to tell you how good you are.
You can't screw up in life, You just don't wanna be in this damn school anymore, do you?
yeah, that's what I thought.
Everyone has their own picture as to what life is supposed to be like.
I think that you're successful in life if you have love and death.
that's all I need to survive.
To live, Find love, And die happy.
I want some art right now
I need a canvas so I can draw my little naked guy flying high!
I wrote a poem that goes with it;
"I just wanna fly
I just wanna be so high
Let me hold your hand
I want you by my side."

It's so cold and so quiet so give me another flower to rip apart.
I'll chew off my own veins just cause it sounds like fun! Just tie me down and tear them out of my muscles for me. You can watch!

Clippy Clappy Mooooooooooooooooooooo
Moo Moo Moo
I'm going crazzyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

For Randy.

(Written 12/10/07.)

Jump and Jump and
Thump and thump
My heart escapes its box.
Pull back the strings,
I drop all things and
with the key unlock
the door to such a prison...
And now I've gone completely missing.
Clumsy, my love
Clumsy as Hell.
Losing my mind. . .
Can't you tell?

"So Empty"

(October-November, 2007?)

Making me feel so Empty
Driving me oh so crazy
Get all worked up,
and now you're hazy.

I sit around so empty
Get so lazy.
I'm walking around;
Upside down
and every thing's a blur.
Forget me not-- I'll be around
knocking door to door.
People talking shit at me
You're a fucking bore.
Purple trees and Yellow leaves
and Life's a fuckin' whore.
Selling out myself and its raping
every bit of me.
Keeping your stoned-head blood cells warm. . .
This is still
A fucking War.

"On the Other Side"

I hope you choke on your fucking pipe

as your world crashes down around you.
Though I'm letting you go,
I'm letting you know that
I won't forget about you.
You made my world, and you killed it too,
But I could have someone
better than you.
I can find a Home-like place,
. . . It's easy if I try.

But baby, I'm not yours anymore
and I'm not gonna lie. . .
I think I'll be happier
In my new home.
God, I hope I don't fuck up,
Cause It's harder than you know.

So when you're still sitting here,
Empty bowl, smoke blown clear,
I'll be on the other side,
Laughing and
Having a good time.

(Written 12/3/07)

"Lavender"

November 30, 2007 - Friday

The sun re-adjusted, (and brought about) Lavender skies. The girl lays in the field to see, and rests her hazel eyes. Beneath ruby poppies, she cries. Her memories waltz around in her mind. She gets by. . . on force-fed lies. Slumber would never come for her. The rest she craved was imaginary. Her dreams float from her -become a blur- December kisses her amethyst eyelashes, The colours swirl away-- To lead her to another night. . . To bring about a Hopeful day.

I am NOT YOURS!

I am not yours.

I don't care how many times you drug up
how many times you've fucked up.
I am not your fucking baby
I am not your "beautiful"
I never was.
now leave me alone!

I am not your beautiful baby
I am not your beautiful baby
I am not your beautiful
I am not yours
I never was.
I'm telling you now, I never was.
It was fake!
NOW LEAVE MY HEAD ALONE!!!

(11.26.07)

Public Diary Entry Number 2.

November 25, 2007 - Sunday

public Diary Entry number 2 Public Diary Entry Number 2. Toasted Cheese sandwatches. I hate how you ride your bicycle no, I hate your bicycle. Fuck you, I dont need you! Or maybe I do. maybe not inside of me, but atleast next to me. Many think that everyone has one someone. Only one "soul mate". If that's true, then I think I've found mine, but I've lost him too. So I guess that's it? Ok. 6 more hours of homework, and the grades are gonna come up. the 22 in Algebra isn't so bad, it's better than when it was a 12. I just burned the inside of my mouth... I want fire now. I'm out of matches though. dammit not again. I have 30 bucks sitting right infront of my face scratch that; make it 32-- theres 8 quarters there too. I like green tea, but its keeping me awake; 3 gallons a day might make you sick. fwwwwwsssssssssssssssssshhhhhhvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv... thats the constant sound of my fan, going around and around and around I'm so cold sitting here in my fuzzy wuzzy pajamas. I walk everyday and you might think i'm looking for something but i'm really just looking for peace of mind. Look ahead of me. Look right now, look ahead of you too. You're lost too, I'm sure. I feel like I'm stuck in a spiral and i'm spiralling up, riding it out. But trying to look out to see what's going to happen in my future. I only see shit. I see fucking shit, like what I am right now. I have plenty of art to make and nothing to art for. I'm done with my sammich. I can't spell sandwich can I? Sandwhich Sandich Sandwich Sandmitch Sandwitch. Fuck it! I'm really cold. But I'm not turning my fan off cause then I won't be cold Becaue Cold is to Happy as White is to Sheep. Get it? Good. I'm petting my dolly because Dolly is dolly. I have this candle, and its shaped like a mushroom and it's one of my favorite mushroom candles. I like mushroom candles a lot. I do. I do. I do-ooooo. I miss you. I miss you too. and you. Point, Point, Point. Sniffle. Good night.

"Final"

I'm not everything anybody ever wanted,
but I'm fucking here.
All I want is someone who will wrap themselves around me;
somebody to hold dear.
Well, my dear
Well, its dear.

I've got this head sewn back on my neck
and I've dug myself out of this living heck.
But your piss is still rotting on my brain.
I'd rather hang myself on your noose
I'd keep myself dangling from Burning roofs
before I'd give myself back to you!

Why could I never get somebody?
I love like no one else.
I'd never think
about myself.
I'd give you the world before the last night,
When I'd take you out back. . .

Baby It'll be alright
hush now, no it won't.
baby you'll be alright.
Only after one more night
this night I'll take your cold hands,
I'll get your lifeless mouth on mine
before I pull the trigger, make this final kiss divine.

Baby you'll be alright,
hush, hush,
No, You won't.

(11.19.07)

’Hello There.’

Written July 2007,

Tori Ahrens


Hello there; its been quite a while
Since I've seen your so familiar face.
Soft warm embers jump from your Embrace.
Maybe I'll see you again some time.
Maybe I'll hug you like I did that last
day.

Maybe we can be together; Maybe we can stay.
Love, love, love for you
burn, burn, burns right through
this shell I thought I'd be behind
forever more-
has been, from now, penetrated.
Injected with your spell
I never really got over you,
but You've somehow made
it Hell.

Written in June (no title)

Written June 2007
-Tori Ahrens

Say this to me
(Don't say it again)
Play this game with me
(Never again)

*I thought I had you (right here in my hand).
I thought I knew you, I was wrong in the end.
Are you fuckin' dead?
You're fuckin' dead! You're fuckin' DEAD!*

Try this again
Maybe we'll get it right
Kiss me like in my daydreams
Never will they come true
but I can't forget about you.

*I thought I had you (right here in my hand)
I thought I knew you, I was wrong in the end.
Are you fuckin' dead?
You're fuckin' dead!
You're fucking DEAD!*

"I Hope You're Happy."

I thought I missed you
I swore I did.
Behind every little hint, I hid.
I can't tell anybody that I'm over it
Cause a Lie is what got us both into this shit.
I can't look at you the same anymore
I can't believe you left me
for a fucking whore.
I can't pretend that You didn't hurt me.
I could play that it wasn't you I missed.
I swear to God I'm stronger than this
I prayed, I pushed, I forced, I did fight.
And everything I tried wasn't right.
I'm sorry I let you do so much to me
I'm sorry I ever
caught your disease.

But I hope you're happy where you're at.
I hope she makes you feel great
and all that.
She's coming over here
I don't care.
He's cumming all on her.
Doesn't matter
You've soiled my air.

I can't breathe your oxygen
you've poisoned me so.
I can't, can't, can't. . .
Just can't go.

(11.12.07)

"The Whole Time"

The whole time I thought
that your blood would be my ink.
I'm so stupid
just to even think.
I'm sorry that I believed you
I'm sorry that you lied.
but over all i'm sorry that
In you, I died.
I died without realizing that I should have moved first
I died without warning
No ice to quench this thirst-
to cure this horror
or pretend or make believe
I thought I could open up
I thought
maybe
you'd love me.

I thought wrong,
and I gave you so much.
I'm glad I didn't give you everything
but I still feel your touch.

I want your hands off of my shoulders
I want to move on-
stress grows you older.

I need to leave-
to pack my things.
I need to get you off my mind
I need, I want, I think
But I can't...
leave you behind...

I hate what you said to me
I hate every bit of it
I fell for all the stupid "beautiful" shit.
I fucking hate this feeling
But I can't hate you
I can't let go of it.

(11.11.07)

"Sleeping"

Sit around
your venom has made me flammable.
So let the flame burn straight
to the ground.
Piss on my ashes so it doesn't smell like burning hair
and when I'm floating far in death
I can imagine you were there.

I've got it pulled back
out of my face
but I'll miss you laying there anyway.

So I kept a piece of you inside of me
but when I died, I wish you were beside me.
I took in your venom, but you still bit me hard
and once was all it took
I lay in bed, I shook.

Cold as Ice, was how I died...
Wishing your arms were around me
but I wished too much,
expected more than you had

Instead of love, I have the unknown
I'm sleeping in your empty bloodstream, instead of a home.

(11.11.07)

"Like You Need Me"

Fuck this
fuck that
keep it coming, got that?
Ditch me again,
make me feel unwanted (I like it)
Lead me like I'm needed
Then leave me like I'm bleeding.
You chew out this problem, like its nothing
You peel my veins out
Hoping you'll find something.

Don't do heroin; the dope makes you sick.
. . .But pot just turns you into a dick.
Lick my throat clean and then Forget
That you're the one
who keeps me up.
You're the one...
And you've got me Stuck.

(11/11/07)

"Apocalypse"

The world seemed to end
as we kissed again
Don't be scared to dance
Or be afraid of Romance.
Hold on to me, and then you'll see
The world can crumble
around you and me.
They can watch,
but we can see.

I grab your hand, as we step across the sand
-the debris left behind
from the world's end.
"The Apocalypse is coming!", they whispered in our ears.
The Apocalypse has come and gone, but look at us,
We're still here.

I taste your romance,
Together we dance
as the sun sets on the sand.
And we'll kiss the day good bye, Kiss the stars goodnight
-Let the world end around us-
we're all that's left,
This feels so right.

(November 11, 2007)

Everything you would want to know, I have just explained.

Lets say this is a Diary. But its public now. You're reading my mind. I am writing to you, all of you, my current thoughts. Everything that is going on in my mind right now Is recorded right here. I close my eyes and take a look around at all this shit. I imagine I'm with somebody, I imagine I can feel him. I imagine he feels me the same way. I pretend that I am loved in a way I've always wanted to be All things come to an end. Everything, it all begins just to end. If i'm confusing you now, you should stop reading this. We are born to die. Every second, we become closer to death. After we die, what happens? your offspring re-live your life. there is no originality. What's this life for? I want to die in some insane fucked up way. I want to shoot myself in the mouth or gauge out my eye balls just to see how it feels. I'm not deranged. I'm not weird. I am the same as you are. and you are the same as everyone around you. You are not on drugs, You are High on Life. Life is your fucking drug, so choose to add more to it. Life is a miricle, but would it matter if you WEREN'T here? Would people miss you if you were never born? because one person can't make a difference in anything in the world. we are here to live for ourselves and get pleasure out of it. that's it. reproduction is in the imagination. I am living a Lie, So are you. War is stupid. people are dumb. Reach out to what you think you are and tap yourself on the shoulder wake up. youre not real you're a fucking fake and so am I. It's eleven-eleven. 11:11. I am making a wish. I can't tell you. But its important. I want you to know but I can't tell you, or it won't come true. Flannel shirts are comfy. Flowers smell like You. I want you here now. So much smoke fills up this room and the incense is losing its familiar smell. Shit, Now I've reached the end of the stick, time to put this out. Smells like mountain flowers Feels like your hands around my neck. Ow, I burned myself trying to light another one and now the fire is out. I like the sound of clicking. I like the sound of tapping I should be doing my home work, but . . .a zero sounds nice right now? I want to be playing violin, but whats that? your fingers hurt and are covered in bruises from playing for 5 hours yesterday? oh shit! I'll do that later. I love it when people hug me from behind. I also like it when you sit on me and crush my face, and make it so I can't breathe. My nails click click click, I hear an engine outside. I think my dad is in his car. He may want to get that squeaking noise checked out. My lamp says blub. I see a cow. I'm hugging the cow. His name is Leonard and he smells like cherries. That reminds me of yesterday when I walked to the park and found a leaf. It was red, I named MooFace. Had yellow veins. I wish my veins were yellow, that would be so cool. the engine noise stopped. I need to stop thinking now. good bye. good night. (November 4, 2007 - Sunday)

"Neck Deep"

"Neck deep (for the Weak)"
--Tori Ahrens--

I've been dragging what's left of this body
across a beach to be let down.
I've been dragging what's left of my heart
down
down
down...

Comin' up ahead of me
I see what's become of me
I see what has deteriorated into something small

See what used to be honor,
has faded from pride to horror.
Feel what used to be anger
to just letting things slide from lack of care.
I've grown, I've changed, I've cut all my hair...

I've been smothered in my own insults
Trying to find what should be
I've been digging deeper beneath this sand
To try and find some hope in me.

Pulling myself up this shore
and missing the sun set behind me
I think I turned out wrong
I think I'm nothing better than what I see.

I've been crawling now for what seems like forever
and I'm stopping here
I'm stopping alone
I'm burying myself inside this shore,
this sand is my new home.

(November 2, 2007)

"Kill the Lie"

"Kill the Lie" Take my hand and kill my lies Together we'll kill the world in our eyes. Take my hand, I'll help you step into the your life, I'll help you keep yourself alive, just help me kill the lie. Something tells me that behind our wall of safety, Is something lurking, trying to call us out of hiding. So take my hand and kill my lies, Together we'll kill the world as we see it In our eyes. Behind our wall of safety is a lesson in life, a fading vapor- an escence of lost strife. Please don't ignore me, Please hear my scream. . . Take my hand and kill my lies, Together we'll kill the world as we see it In our eyes. Together We'll Kill the World As we see it in our eyes... ---------------------------------------- =Wicked ass old shit from 7th grade!= October 31, 2007 - Wednesday

"Nothing Like the Normal"

"Nothing Like the Normal"

All alone
but still with you
She feels like there's not a thing she can do.
She's all alone
(but) she's got you.
But then again, you'd never see
You'd never give her what she needs.
She's finally got you--What she's wanted
You've got her, but you don't notice.
She holds your hand
You're more than the rest
You're second to none
Because you're the best.
I wish you'd show it
I wish you'd see
That you mean everything
To Me.

--10/12/07--