Gather Around. . .

January 1, 2008 - Tuesday

Gather around and if you will, imagine this. . . . . . You roll off your uncovered mattress placed in the middle of your room on the 5th story of your cheap-ass apartment complex. You open your eyes to a giant flower, a flower bigger than your body, a flower even bigger than your cheap-ass apartment complex, having broken through your ceiling and your walls letting in what little light this polluted fucking city had to bear. You think "Nothing like a normal Wednesday morning in this town. . .", and bid the fanged menacing flower a good morning. You then proceed to the kitchen area of your one-room apartment to scrape yourself up some food. Maybe if you get lucky, you'll muster some orange juice from that 6 month old dried-up plastic container. After your molded orange juice, you continue your morning routine: Try to kill that roach again, pop a few pills, pray that those were the right ones, put on your robe over your underwear, cover your feet with some bunny slippers and eat a twix bar that you bought a week ago from some vendor machine. Now you stroll to work in your bath robe. Every day is the same and you'd never think great shit would happen to you, would you? You're wrong, buddy, today's your lucky day. As you're strolling down the street and some hobo gives you a hand shake you notice something great; you look up to see that the giant flower up next to your apartment is devouring your noisy neighbors. This has brightened your life a whole bunch. You continue skipping to Posey's Dry-Cleaners, where you work for $3 an hour, with a smile on your face. Hell, even your fuzzy bunny slippers have smiles cause you've got a good feeling in your gut about the day to come. So, we'll continue your story with the noon alien invasion. Nothing too odd, just the fact that the aliens use missiles this time. "Hm, something new...", you mumble to yourself as you iron holes in somebody's striped sweater. An hour later you throw the iron across the room. You watch as it shatters the glass and flies toward somebody's car. But none of this shit matters. You've had an awakening... God is calling you! You swear? "I swear!" "GOD IS CALLING ME!", you scream as you jump through the hole you previously created in the glass. You run down the street throwing off your robe and slippers as you repeat your news to the world. "GOD IS CALLING ME, I AM GOING TO HEAVEN!!!" You climb the closest high building, screech your message one more time through your smoker's cough... and then jump. You throw your arms in the air and jump from that building, flipping in circles on the way down. Once again you roll over with something in your face. This time, though, the Gates of Heaven are awaiting you. Golden trumpets sound as your make your naked way to the Gates. You stand, dumbstruck at the entrance to Heaven. The Gates remain closed. . . "What's going on? Why can't I get in?", you cry to the welcoming air around you. You hear a voice. . . a huge deep voice talking to you. He says "I am God. You cannot enter my palace." You are baffled as you muster your pathetic reply, "I. . .I. . . uh. . . Why?". God then says to you, "I cannot let you in. . . because you swore, you dip shit." ...