"The Whole Time"

The whole time I thought
that your blood would be my ink.
I'm so stupid
just to even think.
I'm sorry that I believed you
I'm sorry that you lied.
but over all i'm sorry that
In you, I died.
I died without realizing that I should have moved first
I died without warning
No ice to quench this thirst-
to cure this horror
or pretend or make believe
I thought I could open up
I thought
maybe
you'd love me.

I thought wrong,
and I gave you so much.
I'm glad I didn't give you everything
but I still feel your touch.

I want your hands off of my shoulders
I want to move on-
stress grows you older.

I need to leave-
to pack my things.
I need to get you off my mind
I need, I want, I think
But I can't...
leave you behind...

I hate what you said to me
I hate every bit of it
I fell for all the stupid "beautiful" shit.
I fucking hate this feeling
But I can't hate you
I can't let go of it.

(11.11.07)